Night of Fire. 9/1/2011

Being unable to withstand waiting for some pending result that already negatively hinted to me, I finally made up my mind to make it clear once and for all. Knowing that something must be done in this very night, I rejected all the invitations by my fellow friends just to make sure myself well prepared for tonight.

On 8p.m. sharp, I went out to get my dinner and also to scout on whether is she at home or not. My prediction was right, her car wasn’t around. As the place was super near to Mr.Lian, I asked him out for dinner as well. Unfortunately, I didn’t notice that my car has already out of fuel and it broke down in the middle of the road. Luckily I still able to steer it to the roadside and did not cause any traffic problem.

I called Peter for help and luckily his respond was a positive one. Around 20 minutes later, he sent us a litter of petrol and dashed off as he’s in a rush. Funny but true, that litter of petrol is still insufficient to start my engine. Being out of choice, we have to trouble Alex’s brother to fetch us more petrol. That another litter of petrol barely helped to start the engine and we proceed to the nearest petrol station with caution. Credits for Peter and Alex’s brother.

We went for our long waited dinner after that. The time was around 10p.m. when we were about to leave. I scout on that area again while fetching Alex home, her car was there! I stopped by Alex’s house after he went into his house. I texted the particular her (let’s call her “K”) saying “I got some souvenir for you from my Langkawi trip” and I told myself in 10 minutes time if she reply, I’ll make that move; if not, I’ll just go home. Fortunately, she replied faster than I expected saying “you may come now”.

Nervous I am while approaching her resident, I reached her house gate and I gave her a miss call. She came out with a new hairstyle(different from the last time I saw her) that fascinated me, an evolution that I had expected. I handover the chocolate that claimed to be souvenir but actually it’s just an excuse tool I use to meet her. I know I was there for a confession but I just don’t know where to start. I was so nervous to the level I hardly can voice out.
I asked her whether can I have the chance to get along more with her.
She replied “Har!?(confused or barely listen what I said)”
I asked again, then I see her dad peeping us from the inside of the house and flee away, she got distracted from my question.
I gone nuts and asked her in a much straight forward way: “I wanna court you! do you accept!?”
She took a deep breath and start talking saying that actually she already noticed about this but it would be ridiculous if she just came to me and says that she doesn’t like me. She explained that she believes her timing isn’t here yet and she’s not ready to commit herself into a relationship. She added that it’s not like I’m a jerk or something that’s why she can’t accept me, it is a fact that both of us just know each other not for a long time only and there is an age gap, so there isn’t much we can actually talk about. We no longer work or study at the same place and the chances we meet are so low. Even if she really did give me a chance that night, how long the relationship can be maintained is another problem. She doesn’t want to be in a relationship simply because one of the partner desperate for it. She advised me that it is better I stop my feeling towards her before it gone too deep and it’s not worth it since she doesn’t feel the same way. “I’m just an ordinary girl and nothing’s special about me, there are still plenty of girls that is better and prettier than me out there, who knows you might found a more suitable one?” says K.

Somehow, I agree with what she says. That’s why I didn’t bind my mind set to what I desire and let it go. It is a relieve to know how she actually thinks about this case and I no longer bind to the uncertainty. I went back with an understanding feeling and miraculously I did not cry. It is an honour for get to chat with her outside the gate like that but I guess that is the first and also the last time it would happen. Still, I think I’ve learned a lot that night. I still can smile to her while saying good bye.

However…

Days later, I felt so lifeless all the time no matter I at home, work, or college. It is more likely that I’ve lost the aim of my life and nothing around me seems interesting. A question that I’ve been asking myself for a long time…

“There are people who I care and they ARE important to me, but for them, who am I?”

The song that playing in my PC when I finishing this post:
Ba Ai Fang Kai – F.I.R